Trigger Warning: Depression
In this season of life, I'm learning who I am. I've seen the worst version of myself this year, and I aim to see the best version, too. How does one do that? Therapy, self discovery journal prompts, increasing "happy" experiences, and learning to love myself. Also, perhaps, taking a Myers-Briggs Personality Assessment helps, too.
This year, I experienced the worst mental breakdown I've had thus far, and I've had quite a few. I suppose the culmination of years of being on "autopilot" caught up to me. I came to the ultimate conclusion that what I was doing with my life was not working. It was not satisfying, and it was not fulfilling. It was leaving me empty, and I was "pouring" from essentially an unsatiated cup.
The things I used to love no longer brought me happiness. In fact, I couldn't even think of them without a sense of dread and heaviness. Did you know that I used to read books like they were going out of style? I can't even read a page, now, without having to go back five times, questioning what I just read. I could photograph just about anything and make it look exquisite. Now? Well, I still use my phone to take photographs, but it's not the same. I no longer have a DSLR because I sold it. Ah, the regrets sink further.
At a point in my life, I felt fulfilled and complete. Not so much, now. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. I don't know who or what she is. She is an empty shell of a person. Lifeless. The spark that once existed has since been extinguished.
The monotony of daily life had become difficult for me. There was a point at which I could barely shower or brush my teeth. Yes, I showed up to work as such, too. I felt no shame, either. In fact, I felt nothing at all. Wake up, work, eat, go to sleep. Wake up, work, eat, go to sleep. This was the cycle I'd lost myself to.
To feel something within myself, I decided to move across the country in hopes that it would be the cure I'd been looking for. Unfortunately, one cannot escape themselves no matter how far away they move. Instead, I started looking myself square in the face and regretting every decision I'd ever made. I resented things that I shouldn't resent. I felt unsatisfied and began to loathe life more.
I moved back home, disappointed and ashamed. I took a job I didn't want simply because I didn't want to work. All I desired was to curl up in bed and avoid the world. Bills don't pay themselves.
Fast forward to now: I spent a week in the hospital because I could no longer handle my depressive symptoms. This was the bravest decision I've ever made. I received a medication change and intensive outpatient treatment. I'm continuing private therapy as well. I'm not working at the moment so I can focus on bettering myself. My family has stepped up in ways I never thought were possible.
The last few days, in particular, have been the most difficult. I feel nothing. I also don't feel as though I have sense of myself. It's almost as though I'm spiraling out of control and I don't know when I'll hit the bottom. I will say, I found a glimmer of hope the other day. My counselor suggested I take a Myers-Briggs Personality Assessment (MBPA). "Who is Katie," she asked me. I couldn't even answer because honestly who is she?
My assessment let me know that I am a INFP (Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving). The careers listed included photographer, writer, dietitian, social worker; the list goes on. I felt...seen. Understood for the first time in quite a while. I am creative and attentive to detail, but I enjoy my solitude. I also describe myself as maternal and empathetic.
I am Katie. I am a photographer who captures the essence of individuals without hindering their beauty. I enjoy cooking and entertaining. When I lived in Detroit, I had my neighbors over for dinner all the time. I gravitated towards being able to express my love through food. I like to escape through books, even if it's just for a little while. The vast worlds that are unleashed through reading are magical.
For as long as I can remember (the last few years), I've been saying I'll go back to school and become a pharmacist. I thought this was appropriate because I love learning about medication. I work with medication, and I did exceptionally well in my program to become a pharmacy technician, so why not continue along that path? The problem is that I feel stifled. I am a creative by nature. I enjoy utilizing Canva in my free time and creating invitations or a worksheet. Being a pharmacy technician leaves me feeling like a caged bird.
In this season of my life, I am going to go back to school. I'm exploring the options of becoming a journalist with a minor in photography. When I found out that my MBPA validated my creativity, I felt freed. I decided, for the first time in a long time, I deserve to feel again. I deserve to be creative. And that's what I'm going to do.
If you're struggling, please know you're not alone. There are helplines for you to call.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
NAMI: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
Covington Behavioral Health: (833) 674-1345